I can't believe I did not know that...

This is going to be one of those "remember when?" stories. (If you are younger than 30, you probably will not remember when.) So... remember when the old black screen/white chunky Courier font text computers became... WINDOWS? And all of a sudden, Disney's Wonderful World of Color exploded onto the screen? That was back in my Madrid days, and I was lucky enough to be working in a publishing company that not only got these creatures when they were hot on the market, but provided us with classes to learn how to use them.

One Friday evening, when all of the rats had left the sinking ship, I decided it was Playtime. First stop: Paintbrush. Totally worthy of a modern art exhibition, right?

Then it was time to change the desktop color (a nasty hospital green) and maybe fonts and background colors. Because.... how cool would it be to have, say, a navy blue background with white text?

So I entered the Domain of the Control Panel God and started messing around. I was immensely proud of myself for figuring this out since it was not something they taught us in the course. Also because in the early days of Windows, I was still a bit dyslexic using the mouse, El Ratón.

Monday morning came and I was ready to open up a file and start typing in crisp white letters on a navy background. Except... the background was still white. And... nothing appeared when I started typing! I tried everything I could, but this was still early days for word processing software, and I also still had a lot to learn. Panic was beginning to set in. I would have to call for help.

"Help" meant getting one of the two on site computer geeks to fix it. It was a crap shoot which one would come around, and the difference between the two was like cheese and chalk. The Nice Computer Geek was nicknamed "El Valium" because no matter how convoluted the problem was, he remained smiling, unflappable, and almost seemed to congratulate you for not screwing up worse. The Evil Computer Geek was your worst nightmare. We did not have a nickname for him, but the words "Juan Is Coming To Fix Your Computer" struck terror in the hearts of even the male staff.

So you just know which one showed up at the scene of the crime. After a few intense minutes of tapping keys and zipping in and out of windows I did not even know existed, he announced, "It is fixed." Silent pause. "Um, what was wrong with it?" I bravely ventured.

Juan the Evil One explained that the navy background I thought I had set for text documents only applied to the desktop design colors. It was not possible (in those days) to set the background inside a text document to navy, all I could do was change the text color. And since I had chosen white, typing white text on a white background made it appear as if I was typing without any text appearing. Ahem. Juan the Evil One then announced that he was punishing me for a whole month by restoring the default colors on the desktop and "locking it" so that I would not be able to get into the configuration. I was mortified. And also very depressed at the thought of a whole month of looking at that nasty hospital green color.

A month later, El Valium stopped by the department, and I rushed him over to my desk to remove the virtual lock from my configuration. When I told him what Juan the Evil One had done, he smiled his usual smile and said some of the truest words ever spoken in the field of modern technology: "Computers only do what you tell them to do." Those words have echoed in my mind countless times over the last few decades. And while it is true that computers can have a lot of their own glitches, 90% of the time, the wrong result is the result of the wrong command given, or, in computer jargon, a PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair).

The point of all of this was actually meant to be a brief illustration of the fact that I have a very severe case of OTD, Obsessive Tinkering Disorder. I am capable of spending hours fiddling with format options. If there is a way to get a square peg ino a round hole, I will find it or gnash my teeth trying. Which is why, in my camino accidentado, accident-prone journey of testing stuff out, I often have these wonderful moments of computer epiphany: "So that's how you get the footer text to appear on alternate pages!" And so on.

My students, who think Boomers are computer clueless (instead of recognizing the fact that for every computer clueless Boomer, there is another one who invented the software they are using), were always in awe of little things I would point out to them. Such as the fact that if you want to type Spanish punctuation (¿Qué?), you can add a virtual Spanish keyboard to your computer instead of having to use ALT + 130 or whatever the cumbersome code is. They were actually wide-eyed with admiration one day when I pointed out that if you click "cached" on a Google search result, it would produce the text with all of the search words highlighted in color. Oh Frabjous Day!

So imagine my complete disbelief yesterday when I was using the little pop-up computer calculator and discovered, after years of "clicking" on each number painstakingly, that I could KEY IN THE NUMBERS ON THE CALCULATOR DIRECTLY FROM THE KEYBOARD. (Admittedly, I rarely used the little pop-up calculator for that very reason unless nothing else was available.)

Still. Can you believe I did not know that??!!

Ever had a tech epiphany after years of doing something the hard way?

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P.S. Not having posted in over a month, I can see that this blog is not going to return to the days of once-a-week posting. That said, it does feel good to put something up. Kind of like taking a shower and getting dressed after you've been schlepping around in your jammies all morning.

but will not just come to you

This is part of a postcard that was in my mailbox when we got back from a short vacation.

Normally when I get bilingual mail, the English is acceptable and the Spanish is deplorable. In this case it was pretty much the reverse.

So... money has been "located in my name." And it's $573.62. "But will not just come to me."

I know this is a scam, but I am interested in exactly how the scam works. So I call the number at the bottom of the card and I am told that the money can come from "various sources" (bills, deposits, inheritances, etc.) but that they cannot divulge the specifics over the phone. When I "come in for my appointment" and "sign the necessary paperwork" they will tell me. Huh! It is what I figured, and the cretin on the phone admits that they take their cut. How much? I don't know because the $573.62 is what I get with their "cut" already taken. 20%? 50%? Probably even more.

I say "thank you, but no thank you" and hang up.

Then I decide to do some online investigation. I find lots of websites that will offer free searches for unclaimed money. I put my name in a search engine on one site and it finds $3,041.84. If I want to find out more about claiming this, I can give them my credit card number and search records for one month for the modest sum of eleven dollars. Then I start reading the feedback from irate customers who say they are getting the runaround about canceling their subscription to search options: three years later they are still being charged $11 a month and, not surprisingly, haven't come up with much money or any.

Eventually I find a comment that makes some sense: don't ever pay to find your own money. The commenter has left a link to a legitimate page where it does not cost anything to search or claim your money. I click on the link for my state, key in my name and city, and come up with nothing. Totally believable. And then... just for the heck of it, I key in my name again, changing the surname to my maiden name. Bingo! Without paying a search fee, I discover that AT&T owes me $75 from several years ago. An address is listed which is indeed a place where I lived at one time, and I am able to download a form and given instructions for claiming the money. No registration fee, all government-controlled and totally legit.

Seventy-five dollars is not going to change my life-style, but it was kind of cool to see that underneath the scam... there really were a few extra bucks. And P.S.: Mr. O. also had a $75 apartment deposit owed him from years ago.

Are you a little richer than you think? Here's the place to find out: http://www.unclaimed.org/

N.B. Don't go to "unclaimed.com"... that's the rip-off site. If you want to read about it, MSNBC has an article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12028200/

The Dictionary Game... revisited

One of my favorite memories of my days (years) in Spain was dinners with friends, and one of my favorite memories of those dinners was playing The Dictionary Game, always played at the home of a dear Argentinian friend. When the gossip and the wine
dried up, but the coffee and the dry wit were still going strong, the dinner table became a lively battlefield of outwitting each other. The guests were generally an eclectic mix of other Argentinians, Spaniards and... "non-native" speakers. We in the non-native group had to scramble to keep up with the rest. My goal was not so much writing a convincing definition for a fake word that everyone would vote for, so much as writing something that would not be laughed at for its language errors.

Lately I have been intrigued by the word verfication words in the comment section of blogs. They used to be hopeless mixes of mostly consonants that were annoying to key in, such as gxlzzyrkj, but recently blogspot has started using verification words that... kind of look as if they could be real words. So here is your challenge: One of the words below and its definition is real. The rest are "word verfication" words with my fake definitions. Which one is the real word?

doremitt: silicone oven mitt named after French chef Jean Doré

calrattan: original and/or alternate name of rattan furniture made from the tough stems of climbing palms from the genus calamus

conaling: rapid conoid movement employed in glass blowing to produce perfect cone-shaped vessels for wine and champagne glasses

sfumato: the subtle gradation of color used to blur the contours of a form in painting

sunshe: Chinese beach parasol consisting of a double-mounted umbrella with expandable widths, its name being taken from the English "sun shade."

Spoiler Alert: The answer is now in the comment section.

Which pennies to pinch?

The news is full of ways to save money these days. Together with eco-friendly tips (a few decades late) on how to protect the environment: recycle, re-use, etc. The trick is how to do this, in some cases, without giving up certain luxuries that one cannot do without. When you get right down to it, most of what we consume we could do without or do with less. Except for maybe certain things...

My weakness is going to the hairdresser. Which isn't even a luxury in a certain sense, since I cannot cut and style my hair myself. I know this for a fact since I tried this years ago during a phase of abject poverty. And of course I ended up having to crawl back to the beauty salon and suffer a thrashing from the stylist who asked me if I thought she was the Miracle Worker when I asked if she could, uh, "even it out a bit."

No, we don't cut our own hair anymore. But dying it... yes, that I have done for years. Much cheaper, even buying the top shelf hair dye. Except it is also a pain in the butt. And no matter how careful you try to be, the ends always look a bit darker. And you get hair dye stains everywhere. So a few months ago... I decided to ask my hairdresser how much she charged to perform this odious task. And it was actually less than what Fantastic Sam's charges, and she does a better job. Sold! This is now on my list of Sacred Expenditures Which Shall Not Be Eliminated From the Budget. (And not that I need to justify it, but I don't spend a cent on manicures or pedicures, so I figure it evens out, because I know women who spend a king's ransom on that.)

What about you? What's the one luxury you won't give up until the wolf is at the door?

P.S. Below is a fuzzy freeze frame from the university video of my graduation. A very bad hair day, since that hideous cap does not suit any short hair style. Being hooded, however, totally makes up for it.

(M)other's Day

In the spirit of Bill Maher, I am officially instating O.N.R. = Ortizzle's New Rules. Today's topic is Mother's Day, or as the title implies, "Other's Day."

1. The entire world will agree on the same day for Mother's Day. In the U.S., of course, it is (fairly arbitrarily) the second Sunday in May. In the U.K., "Mothering Sunday" is the fourth Sunday in Lent. In Spain it is the first Sunday in May. In Mexico it is the tenth of May (regardless of the day of the week or the liturgical calendar), which this year just happens to coincide with the U.S. In several other countries, it is the eighth of March in order to coincide with International Women's Day. Enough! Let's pick one day and stick with it.

2. The name will be changed to Female Caretaker's Day. That way we can include step-mothers, aunts, grandmothers, etc. We deserve a trip to the spa, too.

3. No gifts of a "domestic" nature are allowed. Yes, sometimes we really would like a fancy food-processor. But that just reminds us that we're never out of the kitchen. The other day I heard an ad on the radio suggesting that the family install new, efficient "green" (environment friendly) plumbing in the house. FOR MOTHER'S DAY. And wouldn't that just make Mom do some cartwheels of joy. Because she's the only person who uses the plumbing in the house, right? Well, you can take that gift and flush it.

4. Do not even think of asking Mom, or your Female Caretaker, to make a special meal on Mother's Day. And clean up afterwards. Are you kidding? Do you have rocks for brains? (This is not spoken to you, dear reader, who are in all likelihood, a Female Caretaker.)

So.... What are your new rules?