07 July 2010

The Findometer

The contraption pictured here was the first patented version of a Findometer. Its inventor, Julius Gronsonby, labored over it for nearly a decade. Cumbersome and not always reliable, it functioned rather like a Geiger counter and was limited to extracting small objects embedded in floor carpeting. Flagging sales, high production costs, and limited capabilities eventually led to its demise.

Flash forward to 2010. The 21st century heralds a wave of technological gadgets the like of which humanity has never seen. Somewhere out there... somebody is working on the modern prototype of the Findometer. Here are the anticipated technical specs and proposed functionality:

1. New name: iFind

2. Size: more or less that of an iPhone

3. Wireless

4. Indoor-Outdoor Capabilities

5. Waterproof, Fireproof, Shock Resistant

6. Detection Range: 100 yards

7. Primary Detection Capabilities:
Animal, Vegetable, Mineral (old dried carrot in fridge, earring back, lost hamster, etc.)

8. Secondary Detection Capabilities: Temperature, Age, Date of Disappearance

9. Add-Ons: Users can purchase special apps such as the Doc App, capable of carrying out refined searches according to content and appearance of misplaced documents (shopping list + written in pencil + coffee stain on top right corner, etc. ) The Pic App even allows the user to make a rough sketch of lost object in order to narrow the search field.

10. Voice Response: iFind not only responds to verbal clues, it will begin by suggesting likely hiding places for the lost object, e.g.:

USER: Where the heck are my **%/·# reading glasses?
i-FIND: Touch the top of your head lightly.

Whoever is working on this... get cracking! (And while you're at it, do come out with a model that can be used by the post office, airline baggage handlers, and students who frequently misplace their homework.)


Nance said...

We already have this; it is called MOM. Allow me to demonstrate.

Son: MOM! Where's my...
Mom: It's on the steps.
Son: Oh.


Son: MOM! Where's the...
Mom: It's in the dryer, where it's been since yesterday.
Son: Why didn't you bring it up?
Mom: Excuse me?
Son: Um, nothing.

Ortizzle said...

Nance: LOL. Yeah, I know. Even though I am not a MOM. Because the variant of the Mom Findometer is the Wife Findometer. The Wife version, however, is not allowed to be quite as snarky. One must resist the temptation to say, "It's in/on the ..., right where you left it." OR "If you put your keys in the same place every day, you would know where they were." Nope, can't go down that road. (Partly also because, lately, the same stuff is happening to me, lol.)

apathy lounge said...

At our home, we call this the Uterine Tracking Device. Since I'm the only one here who has one. Uterus, that is.

Ortizzle said...

A.L.: Brilliant name. I used to wonder why women seem inherently better at finding stuff than men. Until I came to the conclusion that men just can't be bothered if there is a UTD around, lol.